Back on Track

So, I haven't posted my progress in awhile. I am going to try to sum it up with as much detail as necessary, but without overdoing it if that makes any sense.

In my last post, I noted that I was going in for a corrective surgery on my left expander. My left expander was leaking and causing a significant amount of discomfort and most importantly, not expanding my skin as necessary for the exchange surgery. (Exchange is referred to to describe the stage in reconstruction which the expanders are removed and swapped out for implants.)

I was quite apprehensive about the corrective surgery for a host of reasons. Of biggest concern to Rigo and I was that we weren't exactly sure what the heck was gonna happen during the surgery - was one coming out and one going back in? What was going back in? An expander with no saline, 100 cc of saline, 300 cc of saline? Was an implant going to be squeezed in there? The doctor was concerned about the risks associated with too many surgeries so perhaps he was going to try to consolidate. The pain associated with the surgery? The risk-benefit. Was this one going to work or just leak again? Why did it leak? Was the expander was a lemon or was my body rejecting it? Was it something I did? What about the baby, the fast-growing aka getting very heavy baby? How long until I could carry him again? And work. I am back at work and I love it. How long was I going to be off this time? So many concerns faced Rigo and I and we had very few answers.

This was unlike us. Throughout this journey, Rigo and I have had an ample amount of information and resources on the treatment and procedures, all of which have been pretty vanilla. But this corrective surgery was so unexpected and came on so fast. We didn't have time to get much more information than what we went in with. The options were to go through with trying to fix it or just throw in the towel. While there were days my vote was to give back the towel ... I didn't need these foobs as bad as I once had thought, Rigo reminded me that we've come this far. He reminded me to look past where we stood in the present and put myself 6 months out, 2 years out, 10 years out. That is so very hard for me - to think of myself in the future. That is still very, very difficult. I have no problem fantasizing and planning for Blake's future or even Rigo's future, but my own future is tough. But the wise soul he is, he was right.

We went forward with the left-side capsulectomy on January 31, 2008. I had the left expander removed, scar-tissue was gutted out (the scar tissue build-up all around the left expander likely became so tight around it that the expander just popped - yes, it popped) and a new expander with 150 cc's was put in and I was sealed up. We stayed at Stanford Hospital one night and headed home to greet my buster brown the next morning. The entire surgery was only a few hours and Rigo and my dad were there with me when I went in and when I came out from surgery. Grams was with Blaker. My drains were removed before I left the hospital. Going home without drains is such a morale booster. Really, life without drains is a beautiful thing.

I am so grateful and pleased to report that the surgery was a huge success. I was back to work within days and holding Blake within 4 weeks. The pain was minimal and I was able to reserve the pain medicatio to help me sleep with occasional back pain. The hardest part was not knowing if the surgery worked - was all this worth it? We wouldn't know until we've had a fill or two to see if the skin was stretching and the expander was growing, but in the end, the girl became girls!

While my right side was expanded very slowly to try to maintain some sense of balance with my defunct left leaker, my new and improved lefty caught up in about four fills. So if I have the numbers right, it was about 8 fills (right) to 4 fills (left). The fill process was amazingly different with a fully-sealed expander. The fill procedure was painless and I was able to tolerate about 80cc's per visit. However, it was apparent that my body was having a hard time keeping up with the shock it was going through. My back bothered me constantly. The amount of pressure and stretching caused so much havoc to my back that sleeping became a dreaded chore. Laying down in a flat position was unbearable. And while I craved Blake's comfort, his agility and strength was hard to keep up with.

I brought the back pain up to my oncologist, Dr. Perkins at my follow-up appointment a couple of weeks ago. While he was doubtful it was anything to be concerned about, he requested a bone scan. A bone scan takes an image of every bone in your entire body and will show shading of areas that may be cause for concern. I am getting a little sleepy, so I will write more about this whole bone scan, body imaging, getting the results back experience from the doctor another time, but good news - no evidence of disease and my back is much better!

In the end, which was late March, I wrapped up my fills with about 470cc's on either side.

I am happy. They are nice. My girls. Well, not quite my girls, they are just like spacers, fillers, temp's as my dad would refer to Rigo when he was a substitute teacher. I'm not getting too attached to them knowing I'll soon have to part from them, but needless to say, I am pretty dang impressed. I have a nice set of temp's. They are full and grandiose. I bump into things and realize only after the fact, hey, that was my foob (no functionable nerve sensations in my chest so I have the whole delayed reaction going on).

My foobs give me hope for the girls. Kudos to Dr. Kahn. So far so good. Don't get me wrong. The left is like 4 inches higher than the right and the scars are as clear as day, but after going through the process it makes so much more sense to me how Dr. Kahn and Dr. Perkins often emphasized "realistic expectations." I am so pleased. Despite my huge symmetrical differential and horizontal zipper across my chest, my surgeon literally made something out of nothing. It is amazing to see firsthand. I can see my ribs sitting right below my thin layer of skin. I can even see so much more clearer how all that sat in between my skin and bones has been gutted out and cleared away to make nothing but a clean slate. Before going through reconstruction I understood the concepts, I just couldn't fully conceptualize it. Now, now that I have completed the expansion process, I can fully appreciate the challenges and the skill associated with reconstruction - with recreating breasts from nothing but a thin layer of skin and an asymmetrical and un-bluprinted body.

I am pleased beyond my wildest dreams. At this point. Today I am fully expanded. My exchange surgery lies ahead of me. On June 19th, I will embark on my final invasive surgical procedure associated with cancer and when I wake up from surgery, I will finally get to meet my new girls. Until then, it's me and my temp's. Life is good.