One Fill Down ... Too Many To Go!

Second thoughts. That is what I am having right now as I sit in bed with Tiki sleeping under the covers with me and Blake sleeping soundly beside me. Second thoughts on reconstruction. I have expressed these concerns with many of you and figure it is blog-worthy to fully capture the major tribulations of this journey.

Surgery has been hands-down much harder for me than chemotherapy. One, I had many more months to psyche myself out aka scare myself than I did with chemo. Chemo went so fast for me that I had no time to freak out. Here, I've had plenty of time to research, ponder and fear the worst. Two, I have the blessing of Blake to accompany me now. Ah, the wonders of a three month old can keep me going on and on, but trust me when I say life was VERY different with him living in my tummy than having him nap with me right next to Tiki and I. Don't get me wrong, life is MUCH better with his company, but recovering from surgery and now the reconstruction is tough. It is tough on me, physically and emotionally. I am worn down. Seven months of chemo and having a baby has just simply exhausted me. And now surgery. I find myself getting discouraged and saddened that I can't comfort Blake when he is tired, hungry or lonely. I have amazing parents, Blake's grandparents, who have been here around the clock, but I want to hold him, pick him up, change his diapers (yes, I want to do that) and cuddle.

Yesterday, Rigo and I went to Stanford for my first fill of my expanders. The doctor was able (according to my own tolerance level) to inject 75 cc's of saline into my right breast and 35 cc's of saline into my left breast. Before he did the injection, I received a local anesthetic so the actual injection was much more tolerable than I anticipated.

But, now, ah now, how I feel the pain. And now, now I am having second thoughts.

Why? Lots and lots of reasons. Hopefully, I can lay it out here in a clear manner that isn't too hard to follow.

1. Like a "good patient" (once a nerd, always a nerd), Rigo and I wrote out all of our questions for the Plastic Surgeon (PS) before our appointment. One of our biggest concerns was that I have been more nausea since the day of my surgery to yesterday than I can ever remember being my in my life ... more than baby, more than chemo. Yep, surgery. So, we ask him.

Ah, yes, this jogged his memory and he reminded me that my hospital stay post-surgery (a whole 2 days INCLUDING an 11-hour surgery) was one of the longest he can remember. What a jerk! So, I politely remind him my hospital stay was due in-part to me pucking my guts out as soon as I got out of surgery. Why all the pucking?

We turn to the topic of drugs. He asks what have I been taking? Well, I have weaned to taking only Ativan (sleeping, nausea) and Vicodin (pain). "Why" he asks? Duh, I am puking and hurt, and because my oncologist and general surgeon told me too (in fact, they want me on even more - Valium for spasms in my chest, constipation pills, etc.). So, in his moment of brilliance, he advises me to stop taking those pills altogether ... no prescription meds is how I read him. He recommends Advil or Tylenol only and then, only then, if all else fails, I can take the Vicodin. Hello genius, the Vicodin didn't work to begin with, so fine, I'm done.

Needless to say, I am a little bitter. First he tells me I am a "bad patient" because I stayed in the hospital two nights. Then he tells me I am too reliant on my pain meds. Does he know my history? Despite my sense of entitlement, the stubbornness in me is ready to prove him wrong and I am done ... Rigo will be at Costco this weekend getting me a jumbo container of Tylenol (oh, maybe not because genius-doctor told me not to take too many of those either)! Huh!

Hence, I am sitting here in extreme pain. The pain is constant pressure in my chest and sides, sharp pains and burning in my chest. I have trouble walking around standing up straight because that causes strain in my chest. My dad reminds me to stand up or else I may walk like that permanently.

I started therapy this week and am very hopeful that will help in my recovery from the mastectomy. I have pretty good mobility and range back in my right arm, but my left arm is still pretty limited (nodes were taken from the left side). The therapist gave me a gamut of exercises to work on, which I think will help get me up and atom again. I was really excited about all of this. That was, until yesterday when I started the reconstruction process. I feel like as soon as I get two steps forward, this is taking me two steps back. I can't even fathom getting rid of this pain right now. Ugh!

2. Blake. Second thoughts because of Blake. I touched on it, but have to say, I really miss him right now. I spend everyday with him, but despite that, I long for his contact. I haven't been able to hold him on my chest for nearly a month and that makes me sad, so sad my heart hurts. People warned me the ballgame would be different once I became a mother, but I wasn't quite ready for this. I am tired and I miss Blake. I want to be his mommy, a mommy who can hug him, carry him and hold him and I just don't have the strength yet.

3. The outcome. I am having second thoughts because of the outcome. Everyone has heard me bant on about my concerns about the end product. I didn't go into reconstruction with unrealistic expectations about what the end product would be. Although I expect to not like what I see, I have to admit I am a little bit hopeful to be surprised. I have to say, at this point with expanders, I am pretty impressed with my right breast. But ah, the left, the cancer-side. Woohoo! This breast, or what's left of a breast can tell a story all on it's own. Let's just say, in my wildest dreams, I didn't expect this.

The expansion process is just one part of the reconstruction. Afterwards, I'll have an implant exchange and most likely another surgery to correct anything that needs to be corrected. That is what I am looking forward too, the exchange. With that, the final product will come and the closest I will ever get to having breasts again. Unfortunately, along with the stinging and burning pain, the PS yesterday forewarned me that the disparity I see between the two breasts today will likely be there after the exchange as well.

What? Are you kidding me? I am going through all this and you can't even give me two ugly breasts that match? Ugh ... let's just say I am having second thoughts about all this.

Nonetheless, I am hopeful. I am hopeful that I am cancer-free and will stay cancer-free for many, many decades (about eight or nine). October came and went in a blink and with that, so did breast cancer awareness month. I had two television interviews, a newspaper interview (that never ran, but it was a great experience) and participated with WAY TOO MANY people who care about us and love us in the Fresno Komen Race for the Cure. With that said, I am looking forward to next October to really share my story of survivorship with others who, unfortunately, will follow in our footsteps. Remember those self-breast exams ladies (and men) ... it is now 1 in 7 women who will develop breast cancer over their lifetime ... way too many!

And then we have Blake! My little squirt is not that little anymore. His 4-month birthday is next week and with that, we are into a whole new frontier. Blake had his first taste of food this last Wednesday, cereal! It was amazing to witness a little bitty person have his first bite of food. Blake was a great sport and took the cereal into his mouth, but being unfamiliar with it, he sorta just smacked the cereal around in his mouth, some going out and some going down. He is breaking new records all the time. Just last night he drank 8 oz. of milk in a single feeding and no, I am not starving my kid ... he is still eating every 3 hours. Even better than that, he is still sleeping through the night ... yes, Blake is my little rockstar! I am so proud of him every single day and only God knows how thankful! I feel like a terrible mommy for not sending more pics out, but I promise I am taking them. He still has tons of hair (even though I am on pace to pass him in two or three months), but I definitely see a little thinning in the back where he sleeps, but that's nothing new to our little Ledezma Family! : ) Blake's greatest moments are his giggles ... he giggles uncontrollably now and he cracks me up with his little sounds when he giggles. You would think I am the greatest comedian around when really I could just be reading the paper outloud to him ... he just cracks up! Atta boy!

I am having second thoughts about reconstruction. But Blake reminds me life is good and I am so very lucky to be here to share these amazing milestones with him everyday. I am blessed. Life is good.