Some Not-So-Perfect News ... But At Least We're Getting Somewhere!

Rigo and I just returned home after spending the last few days at Stanford for pre-op appointments. Ugh, talk about waiting-room'itis to the extreme ... I hate to complain because I know every patient has to go through endless wait-times, but ugh, it sucked. In the end though, we definitely got a lot accomplished.

Wednesday felt like a rat race, but I was able to get pre-admitted to the hospital, have some blood work done (for additional units of blood to be available during surgery), get a chest x-ray done and have an MRI of both breasts.

On Thursday, Rigo and I met with both my General Surgeon, Irene Wapnir, and my Plastic Surgeon, David Kahn. My lungs looked good on the chest x-ray ... whew! Cheers to that. And even better, my 'healthy' breast still looks healthy.

On the other hand, my tumor is still there and in my left breast and is identifiable despite the expectations of the General Surgeon and my Oncologist. The tumor has shrunk, but has not disappeared like we all hoped for. So the bad news is chemotherapy didn't work completely and for the last three weeks and the next two weeks that I have not been getting chemo, the tumor is probably growing. The good news is the tumor is smaller than when I found it and I am getting surgery in 2 weeks, so it should be gone for good after that. In a way, having the tumor still makes my decision to proceed with such a radical surgery option worthwhile.

To my surprise, I will only be in the hospital for two nights post surgery. I was certain it was going to be at least three or four days, but apparently not. I will be heading back to Stanford on Thursday, October 11th for a gamut of tests and imaging and then checking into the hospital for my surgery at 7am on Friday, October 12th. The surgery will last about 8 hours and then I will be in the recovery room for an hour before I get to see Rigo and my baby Blake. My mom and dad will be there with Rigo and Blake and Rigo's mom and stepdad, Linda and Mike, are coming up on Friday to help with Blake. As far as other visitors, I hope to be up for company after a week or so once I am back in Fresno. I expect to be pretty wiped out with the pain medications and after all, I am going to have drains hanging all over me ... wait to visit until after they come out, unless you like blood! hehehe.

The surgical plan is a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. Emphasis is on "plan." I was forewarned that many issues can arise during surgery. For instance, my insides may not look so hot once the doctors are fishing around in there (aka cancer), my blood supply may be shot, or I may not have enough skin to work with (in which case, they'll try to use skin from cadavers ... yuck). I am trying to go into this procedure with realistic expectations ... I have seen images of the reconstruction process and let's just say, I am expecting the worst, while hoping for the best.

I will be returning back to Stanford twice within the first two weeks of surgery. After that, I will be going to Stanford once a week for about 8 weeks to have my expanders filled. Once my expanders are completely filled, I will have my exchange surgery after a 4-week break. About three months after the exchange surgery, I can go get some nipples should I decide too (which I will) and then my girls are set! Batta-boom batta-bang!

Am I scared? Scared of the pain ... no, there's medicine for that. Scared of dying ... no, God has a plan for me. Scared of hating myself ... yep, that's my issue. Silly, I know. Here I am, chatting away with every Bob, Jane and Tom I know about my diagnosis and treatment ... I have no qualms about sharing what I am going through with whoever, whenever. I am proud to be a member of such a courageous group of women I now call my sisters. I beam with pride when I look at my dear Blake and imagine his tough determination, perseverance and willpower. But when I think of how what I'll see when I look at myself in the mirror in about a week, it makes me sick to my stomach. I know, I know, beauty is from the inside out ... blah, blah, blah. This is my cancer journey and I am just being honest. I know I have a wonderful husband who loves me, but really, how can he stand to look at me when I barely can ... ugh ... have I mentioned cancer sucks!

Whatever. I am certain I will be fine and I know myself ... within time I will become much more comfortable with my new girls. (Before you know it, I am sure I'll be sharing them with more people than Rigo wants me too.) I just have to go through this process and for me, this is what I am scared of. I hated losing my hair and it took months for me to be comfortable being bald, but I am proud to say that today I am pretty dang proud of my bald head. It is liberating to be bald. In fact, I am a little sad knowing that my hair will soon begin to grow back. I mean how many people get to be bald in their lives ... I am pretty dang lucky! (You don't have to agree with me, just humble me though!)

I think that is it as far as surgery goes. I am busy just trying to get ready for that ... calling insurance, doctors, appointments, scheduling, hotel reservations for the family, getting the house ready, the dog ... Thank you ALL for the many offers of help. People are so very kind and generous, it is just amazing! Between Rigo, my parents and mother-in-law, I think we are okay with help for Blake and I. We really don't need anything besides your prayers and warm wishes. We can use the power of prayer any and everyday!

Blake is doing great. He now weighs 11 lbs. 3 oz. My little 5 lb. baby is almost 12 lbs! I can't believe how big he is already. And so alert! He has finally started smiling a lot more now! We are working on tummy time and smiling still. Every now and then he'll give us a few goo's and gaa's. Blake is doing great sleeping through the night and for that, I'd vote he is the best baby in the whole wide world! hehehe! We are taking lots of pictures and lots of video, but I haven't gotten around to posting them online yet. I promise to soon!

On a side note, the American Cancer Society and the Fresno Bee are publishing an awareness insert in the Fresno Bee on October 14th and they will be featuring an article about my crazy cancer journey. Also, KSEE 24 interviewed Rigo, Blake and I with the Clovis East Baseball Team today. The story will (probably) air this Thursday and on their Sports Central show over the weekend ... check it out, but no making fun of us!

The Ledezma Family will be out at the Race for the Cure in full force ... it is my debut and a celebration to the impending end of this journey! See you there!